More Self-Doubt

I went out for Halloween last night, and spent some time with the other postgrad students from my course and the related Writing MA. We talked a little about where we saw our career paths heading, and before I knew it, I was expressing all this concern about how I might not have what it takes.

I’ve been feeling bad for posting that rant about Ruby Sparks, partly because it seems to imply that I didn’t “get” the movie. I understood what was happening. I saw the skewering of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope; I just didn’t think it was done well.

Still, the possibility that I might have somehow missed the point of the film (a lot of reviewers loved Ruby Sparks) started this spiral of self-doubt and I ended up spending part of Halloween night worrying about my future ambitions.

I started this program because I want to edit fiction, but what if I haven’t read enough to know good fiction when I see it? I don’t even have a literature course this semester. It’s the same with the job hunt – I really wanted to work in Irish publishing during my time here, but it’s looking less and less likely that it’s going to happen.

I’m hoping to use the start of a new month to sort of refocus on my goals and maybe recalibrate exactly what it is I think I’m doing here.

Famine Fairy

So… yesterday I volunteered to be an extra in a film / television show / who knows what, I just thought it would be fun. They told me to come dressed as if for a job interview; that I would be filming a comedy club scene. Easy peasy. I’ve been an extra before, and it’s a lot of standing around and pretending to watch the central action. An hour of my life, no big deal.

When I got there, they said they had finished filming the comedy club scene that morning and were moving on to the next scene. Not only were my uncomfortable heels unnecessary, but I was going to be made-up as a modern day famine victim and have a camera shoved in my face while I – gasp – delivered actual lines.

I don’t think my 30-second fake commentary on the Irish political situation will make it to the final cut (American accent and all), but the make-up was pretty awesome. So awesome, in fact, that I didn’t bother to wash it off, and went to my 6pm class looking like a zombie.

The terrible thing is that no one noticed. I was on campus for four hours last night, and nobody said a word. Apparently, I just look that haggard all the time.

So with Halloween coming up, I’ve got to start working on my fairy costume. I tried on my wings with the make-up yesterday, just to see what Famine Fairy would look like.